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| A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. | | Conscience; Memory | |
| A pun is the lowest form of humor - unless you thought of it yourself | | Uncategorized | |
| A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success. | | Best friend | |
| A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows. | | Uncategorized | |
| Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. | | Bosses | |
| Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. | | Bosses; Funny | |
| Arriving 15 minutes early does nothing but guarantee a 30-minute wait | | Uncategorized | |
| Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management | | Democracy; Government; Management | |
| Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours. | | Uncategorized | |
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| Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. | | Teenage | |
| Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own | | Teenage; Thought | |
| For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work. | | Uncategorized | |
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| Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. | | Computers | |
| If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. | | America and Americans | |
| If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. | | Life; Sports | |
| If someone had asked me after the eruption what it would have looked like after 25 years, I would never have guessed it would have been like this. | | Uncategorized | |
| If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur | | Uncategorized | |
| If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. | | Language | |
