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| Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. | | Mankind | |
| Having been unpopular in high school is not a just cause for book publication | | Uncategorized | |
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| I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. | | Chance | |
| I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. | | Adulthood; Children | |
| I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. | | Drugs | |
| I often used to say, the more parties there were for a book, the worse the book was. | | Uncategorized | |
| I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. | | Uncategorized | |
| I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. | | Chance; Funny | |
| If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail. | | Funny | |
| If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. | | Uncategorized | |
| If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something | | Uncategorized | |
| If you read a lot, nothing is as great as you've imagined. Venice is -- Venice is better. | | Uncategorized | |
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| If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies | | Fantasy; Sex | |
| In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. | | Uncategorized | |
| In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. | | Capitalism | |
| Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soy beans | | People | |
| Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep | | Life | |
