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| Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? | | Uncategorized | |
| God in his wisdom made the fly and then forgot to tell us why | | Uncategorized | |
| Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. | | Happiness | |
| Hark to the whimper of the seagull. / He weeps because he's not an ea-gull. / Suppose you were, you silly seagull. / Could you explain it to your she-gull? | | Humor | |
| Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, here's a list of today's appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures -- take them, George, they're yours! | | Uncategorized | |
| Home is heaven and orgies are vile/ But you need an orgy, once in a while. | | Uncategorized | |
| How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge! | | Uncategorized | |
| I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine. | | Uncategorized | |
| I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. | | Uncategorized | |
| I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it. | | Uncategorized | |
| I have a bone to pick with Fate / Come here and tell me, girlie, / Do you think my mind is maturing late,/ Or simply rotting early? | | Uncategorized | |
| I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. | | Uncategorized | |
| I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers | | Uncategorized | |
| I prefer to forget both pairs of glasses and pass my declining years saluting strange women and grandfather clocks. | | Uncategorized | |
| I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it. | | Uncategorized | |
| I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Indeed, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. | | Uncategorized | |
| I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. | | Living | |
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| If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate. | | Uncategorized | |
| If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work | | Work | |
