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| Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. | | Parents | |
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| People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the 25th of December | | Uncategorized | |
| People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it | | People | |
| People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. | | People | |
| Poets aren't very useful Because they aren't consumeful or produceful | | Uncategorized | |
| Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs | | Uncategorized | |
| Progress may have been all right once, but it has gone on too long | | Uncategorized | |
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| Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as a legislature, Sleep is as forward as hives or goiters, And where it is least desired, it loiters. | | Mankind; Sleep | |
| Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them | | Debt | |
| Some people's money is merited/ And other people's is inherited. | | Uncategorized | |
| Some tortures are physical and some are mental, but the one that's both is dental. | | Uncategorized | |
| Someone invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumber, Ringing wrong but similar numbers | | Uncategorized | |
| Stuyvesant chats with Kelly and Katz, The professor warms to the broker, And life is good in the brotherhood Of an air-conditioned smoker | | Uncategorized | |
| Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,/ Is those things arms, or is they legs?/ I marvel at thee, Octopus; If I were thou, I'd call me Us. | | Uncategorized | |
| The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. | | Bed | |
| The camel has a single hump;/ The dromedary, two;/ Or else the other way around./ I'm never sure. Are you? | | Uncategorized | |
| The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk | | Uncategorized | |
