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| A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace | | Uncategorized | |
| A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. | | Uncategorized | |
| Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right? | | Uncategorized | |
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| Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success. | | Uncategorized | |
| Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. | | Wealth | |
| Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet. | | Uncategorized | |
| Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket | | Happiness | |
| I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself. | | Uncategorized | |
| I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. | | Children | |
| I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it -- after all, they've already given us tasteless bread. | | Uncategorized | |
| If you can laugh together, you can work together | | Team work | |
| Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. | | Native Americans | |
| In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh. | | Uncategorized | |
| Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price. | | Inflation | |
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| Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. | | Family; Life | |
| Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! | | Love | |
| More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments. | | Uncategorized | |
