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A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived."
I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish." |
| Funny; Irish; Nationality |
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| A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. |
| Uncategorized |
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| All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy |
| Chance; Money |
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| And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. |
| Uncategorized |
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| And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it. |
| Uncategorized |
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| Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? |
| Uncategorized |
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| Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex. |
| Beauty |
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| Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard |
| Uncategorized |
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| Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions. |
| Uncategorized |
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| Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. |
| Uncategorized |
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| For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. |
| Uncategorized |
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| His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum. |
| Uncategorized |
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| I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. |
| Uncategorized |
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| I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. |
| Uncategorized |
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| I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. |
| Uncategorized |
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| I thought I'd begin by reading a sonnet by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. |
| Reading |
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