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A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived."
I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish." | | Funny; Irish; Nationality | |
| A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. | | Uncategorized | |
| All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy | | Chance; Money | |
| And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. | | Uncategorized | |
| And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it. | | Uncategorized | |
| Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? | | Uncategorized | |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex. | | Beauty | |
| Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard | | Uncategorized | |
| Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions. | | Uncategorized | |
| Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. | | Uncategorized | |
| For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. | | Uncategorized | |
| His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum. | | Uncategorized | |
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| I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. | | Uncategorized | |
| I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. | | Uncategorized | |
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| I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. | | Uncategorized | |
| I thought I'd begin by reading a sonnet by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. | | Reading | |
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