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| He used to sit very quiet. Dangerous quiet, if you ask me. And he'd stare at her with that look he has. He didn't need drink to make him dangerous. | | Uncategorized | |
| He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. | | Ideas; Work | |
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| I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. | | Language; Learning | |
| I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. | | Uncategorized | |
| I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. | | Uncategorized | |
| I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. | | Uncategorized | |
| I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. | | Chance | |
| I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. | | Uncategorized | |
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| I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. | | Uncategorized | |
| I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." | | Cheating | |
| I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. | | Uncategorized | |
| I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! | | Funny | |
| I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. | | Uncategorized | |
| I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. | | Uncategorized | |
| I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. | | Driving | |
| I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night. | | Funny | |
| I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. | | Houses | |
| I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" | | Uncategorized | |
