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| I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. | | Uncategorized | |
| I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. | | Uncategorized | |
| I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller | | Uncategorized | |
| I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. | | Uncategorized | |
| I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars." | | Uncategorized | |
| I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. | | Uncategorized | |
| I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. | | Uncategorized | |
| I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. | | Uncategorized | |
| I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." | | Funny | |
| I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." | | Uncategorized | |
| I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance. | | Uncategorized | |
| I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. | | Uncategorized | |
| I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. | | Uncategorized | |
| I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." | | Bankers and banks | |
| I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. | | Museums | |
| I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. | | Uncategorized | |
| I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" | | Uncategorized | |
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| I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that." | | Music | |
| I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... | | Uncategorized | |
