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| Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. | | Uncategorized | |
| Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -- to make people laugh. | | Uncategorized | |
| Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings. | | Uncategorized | |
| Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. | | Uncategorized | |
| Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? | | Uncategorized | |
| During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. | | Food | |
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| Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. | | Uncategorized | |
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| Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. | | Uncategorized | |
| Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. | | Uncategorized | |
| Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people. | | Uncategorized | |
| Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. | | Animals | |
| How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon -- and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. | | Uncategorized | |
| I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. | | Uncategorized | |
| I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. | | Uncategorized | |
| I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. | | Uncategorized | |
| I believe I will dip my pink-and-white body in yon Roman tub. I feel a bit gritty after the affairs of the day. | | Uncategorized | |
| I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. | | Food | |
