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| I'll bend effort to win and I come from a long line of effort-benders. | | Uncategorized | |
| I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. | | Prejudice | |
| I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.) | | Uncategorized | |
| I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. | | Uncategorized | |
| I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. | | Uncategorized | |
| If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. | | Uncategorized | |
| If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. | | Uncategorized | |
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| If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. | | Uncategorized | |
| If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. | | Uncategorized | |
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| It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. | | Uncategorized | |
| It was a woman who drove me to drink -- and, you know, I never even thanked her. | | Uncategorized | |
| It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. | | Uncategorized | |
| It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. | | Uncategorized | |
| It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. | | Morality | |
| Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. | | Uncategorized | |
| Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. | | Uncategorized | |
| Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. | | Uncategorized | |
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