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| Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. | | Uncategorized | |
| Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. | | Uncategorized | |
| So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey. | | Uncategorized | |
| Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. | | Uncategorized | |
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| Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. | | Smile | |
| Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with. | | Uncategorized | |
| Stop following me, are you following me? That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven years at twelveworth, or five and ten at Woolworth's. | | Uncategorized | |
| The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog. | | Uncategorized | |
| The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. | | Uncategorized | |
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| The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. | | Uncategorized | |
| The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. | | Uncategorized | |
| The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons. | | Uncategorized | |
| The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water. | | Uncategorized | |
| The harder the act, the less it seems to be appreciated. That's what every artist, be he juggler, musician, or painter, finds out. And that is why so many mediocrities flourish. | | Uncategorized | |
| The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. | | Uncategorized | |
| The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. | | Uncategorized | |
| The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split. | | Uncategorized | |
