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| It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. | | Death and dying | |
| It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. | | Travel | |
| It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. | | America and Americans; Crime | |
| It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. | | Uncategorized | |
| It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic. | | Uncategorized | |
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| It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. | | Uncategorized | |
| It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. | | Uncategorized | |
| It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways. | | Uncategorized | |
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| Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. | | Art; Life | |
| Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. | | Life | |
| Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. | | Life | |
| Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either. | | Life | |
| Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions | | Love; Sex | |
| Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. | | Uncategorized | |
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| Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. | | Money; Poverty | |
| More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. | | History; Time; Wisdom | |
| Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. | | Time | |
