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| The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. | | Death and dying; Sex | |
| The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. | | Food | |
| The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. | | Uncategorized | |
| The higher the school rating the better off we are in having perspective projects look at our area, | | Uncategorized | |
| The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty. | | Uncategorized | |
| The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. | | Uncategorized | |
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| The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right. | | Sex | |
| The real question is: 'Given what people are, why doesn't it happen more often?' Of course, it does, in subtler forms | | Uncategorized | |
| The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year. | | Economy; Funny | |
| The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. | | Uncategorized | |
| The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. | | Uncategorized | |
| The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants. | | Uncategorized | |
| There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. | | People | |
| There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? | | Death and dying; Life | |
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| Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. | | Time | |
| To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. | | Comedy; Happiness; Love; Suffering; Writers | |
| To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. | | Funny; God | |
| Tradition is the illusion of permanance. | | Traditions | |
