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| A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. |
| Robert Frost |
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| A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. |
| Oscar Wilde |
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A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived."
I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish." |
| Spike Milligan |
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| Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. |
| Doug Larson |
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| Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission |
| Fred Allen |
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| Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. |
| Robin Williams |
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| All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. |
| Lily Tomlin |
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| Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. |
| Ernest Hemingway |
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| Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. |
| Winston Churchill |
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| Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses'. |
| John Lennon |
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| Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. |
| Albert Einstein |
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| Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths. |
| Bertrand Russell |
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| Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. |
| Jack Handey |
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| Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. |
| Groucho Marx |
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| Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. |
| Oscar Wilde |
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| Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. |
| Woody Allen |
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| California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. |
| Fred Allen |
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| Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. |
| Robert Byrne |
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| Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love |
| Woody Allen |
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