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| A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. | | Robert Frost | |
| A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. | | Oscar Wilde | |
A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived."
I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish." | | Spike Milligan | |
| Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. | | Doug Larson | |
| Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission | | Fred Allen | |
| Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. | | Robin Williams | |
| All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. | | Lily Tomlin | |
| Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. | | Ernest Hemingway | |
| Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. | | Winston Churchill | |
| Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses'. | | John Lennon | |
| Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. | | Albert Einstein | |
| Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths. | | Bertrand Russell | |
| Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. | | Jack Handey | |
| Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. | | Groucho Marx | |
| Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. | | Oscar Wilde | |
| Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. | | Woody Allen | |
| California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. | | Fred Allen | |
| Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. | | Robert Byrne | |
| Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love | | Woody Allen | |
