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| Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. | | Charles M. Schulz | |
| Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else | | Will Rogers | |
| From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. | | Groucho Marx | |
| Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. | | Winston Churchill | |
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| Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt. | | Will Rogers | |
| He that tries to recommend (Shakespeare) by select quotations, will succeed like the pedant in "Hierocles", who, when he offered his house to sale, carried a brick in his pocket as a specimen | | Samuel Johnson | |
| He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend - provided, of course, that he really is dead. | | Voltaire | |
| He who kisses girl on hillside is not level | | Confucius | |
| Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was to be over again ten years later it is likely she would rather have a life-belt and he would rather have her have it | | Mark Twain | |
| I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. | | Woody Allen | |
| I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. | | Winston Churchill | |
| I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. | | Oscar Wilde | |
| I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin. | | Oscar Levant | |
| I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British | | Woody Allen | |
| I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear | | Woody Allen | |
| I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. | | Groucho Marx | |
| I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting. | | Andy Rooney | |
| I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. | | Clarence Darrow | |
| I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. | | Will Smith | |
